Did I Marry the Wrong Person? - Marriage Retrospect (Month 4)
Ok so I have been married to Megan Mack (Hughes) for the past 4 months. Since I am a newlywed life has been perfect... right? Of course it has! Megan and I have gone through a lot since we got married. We went on a wonderful honeymoon cruise for 13 days around Italy (which was a fantastic way to start a marriage FYI). Right when we got back we moved in with Megan's mother (my mother-in-law) well let's just say it could have been better to just leave for our new home at that point. After about a week of me working remotely for my new job at Groupon (well not really new, but still newish) we packed our car to leave New England with our dog, Thunder. Then we drove over the next seven days to our new home in Redwood City, CA. Yes we drove the whole 3,200 miles to get there.
... but we digressed a little so back on the topic at hand.
On our wedding day July 27th, 2013 we did the traditional write each other a note thing. Well so the note I wrote Megan was suppose to be a Part #1 of 2... though since we were moving the second part number came (until now). I was always intending on posting this blog entry the day of our wedding, though since my server was packed up in a shipping container on the back of a flatbed 16 wheeler somewhere between Burlington, MA and Redwood City, CA that wasn't going to happen. If I had thought things through completely I probably should have switched gears and wrote something a little different and waited on my initial letter to my newly wedded wife.
You are probably at this point asking... well what did you write in that letter. Well let's just say that the jist of the letter was "Megan just to let you know you are about to marry the wrong person..."
Yeah I know what you are thinking... not very romantic for your wedding day. It definitely was not as romantic as Seth Adam Smith's, "Marriage Isn't For You", blog post that swept the nation recently via social media. You know what though it made Megan tear up, maybe not cry, but at least I call some tears a success. If you know Megan at all when things get serious she will try her hardest not to cry. When you are lucky enough to see her cry you better be prepared for what comes next and try and comfort her.
Anyways at this point you are probably wondering what I meant by "you are about to marry the wrong person", huh?
The "Wrong" Person
Since we are just newlyweds yes life from the outside might look perfect. Like a complete and utter dream world outside of reality. Dinner and a movie, romantic walks (with our dog), long discussion about life and where we want to be in 1, 2, 5, 10 years from now. Though there will come a day where the facade of "dating life" will be over. This is when real life together begins, and am I ready for that? Could I be someone that will bear through hard times? Could I promise that forever I will be there supporting her? The simple answer is "No, I can't promise those things." Though what I did promise is when those times come I will be there right beside my wife working through it together.
The world we live in is completely idealistic society where almost everything we do or decide on has ourselves at the center. Just watch the random television series or the latest blockbuster hit at the theatre this weekend. What is depicted on the silver screen before you? The myth that says to the youth of our great nation that marriage works when you find your "drop dead gorgeous, rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, Nicolas Sparks, Titantic-Twilight-esque, soul mate". Don't believe me there are plenty of studies that show that the current generation gets married later in life (if at all). This leads to what I will call an epidemic. More couples settling to "just living together" instead of taking the same vows that frightened me for a marital commitment because somewhere they are thinking to themselves... have I really been "lucky" enough to find that one-in-a-million person - my soul mate. Out of all the people in the world how could I possibly have found that one, single, perfect being created to be with me.
Singles today are searching, searching for a perfect person. To be everything they aren't. Someone to make them whole again. Expecting far too much from the future (or current) spouse and in all the wrong areas.
Let me be the first to tell you... you don't have a soul mate out there just waiting for you.
This is why without a shadow of doubt in my mind that Megan, my wife, has at least by society's standards had married the wrong person that day in July. I'll never change the face of the technological arena as Steve Jobs. I'll never electrify the bedroom in the way our pornographic media culture shows as the norm to the men (and women). I'll never quite understand her as well as we both would like. I won't always say the right thing. I won't always make the right choice when it comes to building our family. I will not always be understanding or forgiving. I will probably think about myself interests far more often than I am suppose to. I will sometimes let my pride lead my decisions. At times I will forget to do the dishes or take out the trash. I get angry over the small silly stuff. I'll raise my voice when I shouldn't. And did I mention that my part-time body-builder, movie star, modeling days are no more (yea I might have been Matthew McConaughey in another life, but not this one). I'm not the prince of England. I'm no mind reader. I'm not a billionaire. I'm just Trevor.
So what possibly could be the solution? Could this marriage thing ever work out? What should you do when faced with a relationship with the "wrong" person?
##A New Kind of Love
It comes down to how you should define marriage. In other words, our culture tells us that we should look for all these great qualities in our partners. They do not see marriage as two flawed individuals coming together to create a space of their own, a place centered around acceptance, stability, and love. Marriage isn't a "needle in a haystack" mentality it is a promise between two people and God (if you are religious) since God first instituted marriage between a man and a women. Though you and your spouse may not be perfect through a relationship of give and take both sides learn how to love another person and through this loving action you yourself learn to become more lovable.
God's example of love is best. God didn't make us to that He could love us. He made us in His image so that we as a creation could come to a point where we openly choose to love him. Though before we as humans came to this place God choose freely to love us unconditionally and sacrificially by sending His one and only son to die in our place. It is this type of love that we should strive to show to our spouse. That marriage is more than two people who love each other, but are two sinners committed to the hard task of honoring, respecting, lifting up one another for the sake of one another, until death. Honestly admitting that marriage is two imperfect people, committing to the sanctifying work of expressing the self-sacrificial love that Jesus had on the cross for us, to their lover, so that they might see each other become the person that God had first created them to be here on Earth. However, knowing full well that neither of them, no matter how much they try will ever reach this lofty goal, but at the same time won't bare to give up striving for that.
When this happens some magical happens we become more willing and able to love, forgive, more sensitive, much more truthful, and ultimately start to grow closer together spiritually, emotionally and physically. You forgiveness and truthfulness towards your spouse will enable and compel your spouse to show that same kind of transforming character back.
Do I have this under control? No of course not. Will not, definitely not. Though everyday I try a little more and try a little harder. Out of this attempt at being a better version of myself my marriage becomes more satisfying. I have been married to Megan now for four months, it has been exciting, hard, challenging, and fun. I am highly committed to this task and Megan is as well, we both are still trying to find out what this means but are growing to learn what this means together. We are both becoming better versions of ourselves through learning to love one another. I love you Megan and hope that our lives will be enriched by God because of the work we are putting into our marriage. Can't wait to see the version of you that God has in store for us, and feel so honored that He choose me to be an integral part of seeing this transformation within yourself.